I Know, I Know...

I’m the one who starts whining when every blog I’m addicted to does not post every day; I’m the one who starts complaining privately when every blog I’m addicted to does not post at least every other day; I’m the one who starts complaining publicly to any one who will listen about how if you have a blog you need to post on at LEAST three times a week.

So have you noticed a little hypocrisy here? Maybe a little thing like certain whiny people haven’t bothered to post in the last five days? Thought maybe they better have a darn good excuse? Yeah, me too.

So here’s my excuse – I went in the hospital on Thursday and just got home this morning. Is that pretty good? Five days in the hospital with NO INTERNET! I could live with the poking, prodding, being awakened every four hours to make sure I still had vital signs (isn’t snoring a vital sign for Pete’s sake!) but NO INTERNET! Pure torture.

I’m home, I’m getting treatments, and I’m going to be fine. Read further at your own risk because what follows will be details, ramblings, and is VERY LONG!

The Story
On Thursday I happened to notice a very interesting thing – the nail beds on my hands had turned a dark blueberry purple. As I was going out to share this interesting phenomenon with my hubby, I noticed my left leg had kind of turned into a dragging stick. While I was enamored with this new color on my fingers, Jim was seriously freaking about it. Within minutes he had me on the phone with my oncologist. The upshot of the call was –

Dr “How far away do you live?”
Me “About seven minutes.”
Dr “I’ll see you in seven minutes.”

As most of you know I’ve been doing a pretty good battle with cancer over the last year, in fact it will be a year in April. And I’m winning. Or was winning up until about two months ago.
As it turns out, the cancer had snuck up into my brain and had started to take up residence. From the doctor’s office I went straight over to Mercy Hospital. I spent an hour and a half in an MRI and another 30 minutes in a CT so the doctors could determine what and where. And the results were this – cancer free from the neck down, two small tumors from the neck up.

And immediately stuck in the hospital getting huge doses of steroids (the legal kind – thank you) to stop the inflammation and swelling around the tumors which was causing the numbness in my left leg from toes to waist.

The prognosis is good. The tumors will be treated with semi-focused radiation. If the radiation doesn’t completely zap them, then we go to the Gamma Knife, another form of more focused radiation. I’ll be having 12 more radiation treatments (I’ve had three while in the hospital), one a day, five days a week (Saturdays and Sundays off).

The only bad news is my two inch long hair will go back to a buzz cut since it’s just going to fall out again anyway, and the fatigue will be back. Stuff I can deal with. I’ve got a lot of great hats from the first time, got a wig I like, I’m good to go on the head end.

But remember my pathetic little outburst about piano wire needles and hand knit socks? Well, socks would be really nice…

And the question people ask me (or might ask me if they didn’t think I’d ramble on too much) is “How are you handling all of this?”

And here is my answer. I know Who runs my show. He has been running it since I was seventeen. Everything I am, everything I have, every aspiration, every thought, every plan I plan is in His hands. I have a rock solid belief in where I’m going and Who is going to get me there.

Am I perfect? NO! Am I going to push anyone into my beliefs? NO! Do I always walk the walk and talk the talk? No, sadly. I am human. But I am a born again, spirit filled Christian. I know the joy of the Lord in a deep, personal way which can not be shaken (and believe me, there has been lots of shaking before this!)

I just know Who takes care of me. My life is in His hands. I’m happy to be here. I’m happy to go Home and be with Him. His choice. Will I fight to stay here? Of course! I have several years’ worth of yarn to use up! Will I accept the outcome if the tumors can’t be removed? Of course! I have lots of knitting friends who would love to enhance their stashes.

Will this change how I live, love, and interact with others? It already has! I enjoy people. I like trying new things. I love meeting and making new friends. I’m going to work a little harder on getting UFOs done. I want to do more knitting road trips. I have places on earth I want to see before I go Home. I still have a couple of large items on my list of lifetime goals I want to accomplish.

Will others notice a difference? I don’t know. If you knew me BC (Before Cancer), you know I’m pretty energetic and like to try new stuff. Not much change. If you only have met me after I started the long dark road, you might be amazed at what I plan to do once the cancer isn't slowing me down so much.

So no pics tonight. But on the Wednesday before, I had dyed up a bunch of yarn to finish my felted tote. I have pics of every step. That’s coming. I finished the Market Squares Bag (not a lot to do in a hospital with no internet) so will be posting about that. And I am trying to work on UFOs intently. I really want to get at least two sweaters done that have been hanging around here for three or four years.

Want to talk to me about my faith – I’d love to. Want to talk about cancer challenges – just ask. Want to talk about knitting – one of my favorite subjects. Want to talk about buying or selling a house – pure passion on my part. So if you have a question, just ask. Believe me, the odds are you can’t ask me something I won’t feel comfortable talking about!